A Life of Comedic Plights
I told my husband I agreed to write a funny story for Cookie's Mom and that I was thinking of writing a travel piece. He didn't ask who Cookie's Mom was, or why she needed this story. He simply started rattling off farcical anecdotes, and it didn't take long to realize the common denominator in all of them was ME. I instantly heard the character named Michele from American Pie saying, "One time, at band camp. . ."
The conversation went something like this:
Dear Husband (DH): "How about that time when we were in France, and you went out for lunch and ordered lemon sorbet?" He chuckled. "When I returned from the conference you couldn't sit up straight. I don't know how you made it back to the hotel."
Hey, the temperature was soaring that day in Antibes. The picture on the dessert menu looked cold and refreshing. How was I supposed to know two jiggers of vodka would be poured over the scoops of icy deliciousness?
I murmured, "It was the best sorbet I've ever eaten."
DH: "And how about that time you went out for a walk in Harrogate and didn't return until nearly dark?" He grinned and shook his head. "Thought I was going to have to gather a search party."
Who would have guessed that the tiny hamlet towns of the UK have blocks that rarely consist of four, neat right-angled turns? I can still hear the soft Scottish brogue of my hero when he said, "Ah, but you're a wee bit off."
DH: "And how about that time in Brussels when you marched up to that bakery window and asked for a loaf of pain?" He laughed outright.
Now, wait. That was an honest mistake. I knew 40% of the people of Belgium speak French, but my hunger was such that I merely forgot French isn't a phonetic language. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
DH: "Then there was that time when we arrived at the airport from Italy, and you tossed me the brightest smile and said, 'Oh, look! Of all the people in the airport, this cute little doggie chose to come say hello to me!'" He chortled.
How was I supposed to know the US Dept. of Agriculture has a Beagle Brigade? And besides that, I meant to eat that orange while we were in flight.
I'd had enough of his help. "Never mind. I'll come up with my own funny story," I told him before turning on my heel and leaving in a huff.
While having lunch with a friend, I told her about Cookie's Mom, my need of a funny story to blog about, and my DH's 'help'. My friend's laughter over my travel foibles finally made me loosen up a bit.
"You have to admit," she said, "he has a point. You never fail to end up in some screwball predicament or other." Before I could bristle, she added, "Remember that time I took you to the airport?" Her mouth widened with a laugh.
Images swam in my head of an airport security guy who, after rifling through my suitcase, ended up shadow-boxing me for a package of peanut brittle he'd found. All heads in the small airport had turned as, once again, I had become part of a spectacle. My friend's example was proof that these comedic plights follow me around everywhere, even right here on US soil.
I sighed. "Maybe I should write about my own traveling experiences."
I rose from my chair, accidentally bumping into the teen clearing off the neighboring table who slipped and poured the watery dregs in the glass he was holding down the neckline of a burly businessman who just happened to slide his chair backward into the path of the liquid. The domino effect couldn't have been more perfectly timed had it been set up by the crew of Punk'd.
After offering profuse apologies to all parties concerned, we beat a hasty retreat. In the parking lot, I lamented, "Cookie's Mom needs a story!" I searched my purse for my keys. "I'll work on a travel piece."
"Why limit it to travel when you're whole life is a funny story?"
The blithe comment made me glance up to see my friend looking pointedly toward the restaurant. My eyes widened. "How can I do that in 700 words or less?"
Donna Fasano is a best-selling, award-winning author whose books have sold over 3.5 million copies worldwide. She recently acquired the publishing rights to her first 11 books and is making them available for Kindle, Nook, other e-readers (via Smashwords) and in paperback. She's a wife and mother who loves to read, cook, hike and travel...and refuses to let the 'country bumpkin' in her keep her from seeing the world.
You can visit Donna at her website and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
Donna Fasano's books are available on Amazon, Smashwords and Barnes and Noble.